Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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