you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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