you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
