I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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