We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
