If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
