tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
