Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
