I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
