fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
