I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
