My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize