I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk is not a location!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
