Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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