So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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