and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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