Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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