Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
