oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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