Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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