I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
