I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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