Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just threw up on my dentist
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
