you inspire me to be a worse person
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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