I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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