Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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