just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
