In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
