May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
