never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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