Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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