I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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