You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
