Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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