You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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