i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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