I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
