dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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