so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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