Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
