census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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