And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
They took my balls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
