They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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