honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
