Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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