we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
where are my eyebrows?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
