I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
