she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
