When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
