tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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