he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
