After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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