I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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