my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I want is dick and wine.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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