I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
