she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
